At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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