Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
