The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
