I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
