Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
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