wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I forgot wine drunk hurts
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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