note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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