Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
PANTIES FOUND
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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