Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
