I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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