i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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