i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Pants are for mortals
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
