Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
