it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
