you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
