tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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