batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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