I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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