Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
