Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
