all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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