I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
