my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
