I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
