she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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