Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
