My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
