i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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