Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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