i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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