And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
