oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Less talking, more tequila
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
