A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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