woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
