I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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