You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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