hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
