Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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