A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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