If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
