I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
