can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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