Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize