At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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