got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
What happened to fro yo and sex?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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