I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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