I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
