im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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