Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
