drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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