Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
