I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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