I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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