the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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