you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
