dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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