SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
be right there i have to get my cape
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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