a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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