Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
