A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
