if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
