u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
