u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
