Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
